U.S. Zombie Tactical Squad

One of the questions we get more than any other is, “What is the best machete for killing zombies?”  We’ve given it some thought recently, and pooled our own machetes to see where we stood.  Not unsurprisingly there were a variety of blades displayed, and each person had their own reasons for choosing their personal weapon.

Taking this in we quickly realized that there is no perfect machete for killing zombies.  There may however be a perfect weapon for you to use when killing zombies.  We hashed some ideas back and forth and eventually came up with the following list to help you when choosing the best machete for you to use.

1. Find a machete you can easily carry.  Most machetes are lightweight, so this is pretty easy, still you want to make sure you get something that won’t weigh you down while you’re on the run from the zombie hordes.
2. Make sure you can easily swing your machete.  Machetes come in multiple lengths and widths.  Go to your local hardware store and sort through the options available.  Take several practice swings and find the one that has the best heft for your arm length.  You don’t want something too long that takes forever to swing, but you don’t want something too short that allow the zombies to get up close.  Find that perfect middle for you.
3. Steel, always steel.  The only thing we found in similarity amongst our collected machetes was that they were all made of steel.  Usually carbon steel, with some variations of chromed, blackened, or brushed finish.  Regardless, steel is your best option as it is the strongest metal available and won’t shatter as it cracks open a skull
4. Shape doesn’t matter.  Whether you prefer the classic machete, the ka-bar, or the kukhri, it’s up to you.  There are differences between how each reacts to impacting flesh, so make sure you take the time to test out what works best for you.
5. Avoid the saw-backs.  Some machetes, usually called gator machetes, come with a branch saw on the back.  While we see how this could be a help around the house, it’s a mistake when killing zombies.  The teeth of the saw just have too high a chance of getting caught on a bone while you’re trying to pull it out of the former zombie’s head.  Not a good possibility if there’s more than one on your heels.
6. Two are better than one, and three are better than two.  If you’re going to be stopping by the hardware store anyway, pick up three machetes.  They’re not all that pricey, they’re light, and you never know when one will get caught in a brain pan or shatter.  Always have a backup and a backup to your backup.

So those are our tips for choosing a machete for your zombie killing needs.  If you can think of some other things we may have missed when we were making this list, throw it in the comments below.

If you are in the market for a new (or first) machete, remember that ultimately you are the deciding factor.  Make sure you get something you think you can use.  It doesn’t have to be pretty, it just has to be useful.